Season 1 Quotes

1. “Pilot”

[Lila comes in the house]
Lila: Charles!
Charles: Lila!
Lila: Alexander Morgan!
Buddy: No, Buddy Lembeck.
Lila: Not you, goon machine.
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Charles: You see, Buddy, this is why you’re gonna die alone.
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[Mrs. Pembroke suggests Charles brings his date, Gwendolyn, to the house]
Charles: But what about the children? They’ll see her, they’ll know!
Jill: The children know everything, Charles, we have cable TV.
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Charles: Look, I’m having a friend over, and she’s a lady.
Douglas: What?
Jason: Female carbon unit.
Douglas: Ooh!
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Jason: Dad, when you and mom were planning Douglas, what exactly did you have in mind?
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Charles: You’re telling me there are young, impressionable children here, and I should be careful.
Stan: No, I’m telling you to be careful because you’re a nice young man with your whole life in front of you and the last thing you want to hear right now is—
Jill: Honey, I’m late.
Stan: …I think that about says it all, Charles.
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[Douglas is playing a video game]
Charles: Douglas, Douglas, what are you doing?
Douglas: Killing martians.
Charles: Killing m—Well, how many of them do you have to kill?
Douglas: All of them.
Charles: And how long will that take?
Douglas: I’ve dedicated the rest of my life to it.
Charles: Douglas, do you wanna see how to do it real fast?
Douglas: How?
[Charles pulls out the plug]
Douglas: That did not kill them, Charles. That only made them very mad.
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Charles: I’m sorry pal, how much?
Chinese Food Delivery Man: Ah, twenty eight dolla.
Charles: Twenty eight dolla? For what, twenty eight dolla?
Chinese Food Delivery Man: You order four dishes!
Charles: No, no, no, I ordered two dishes.
Gwendolyn: Is there something wrong Charles?
Charles: Oh, no, no, just a little misunderstanding, that’s all.
Gwendolyn: Oh, well, why don’t you explain it to him in Chinese?
Charles: …I order two dishes!
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Alexander Morgan: Why does two have to equal x? Why do numbers have to equal letters? I never hurt anybody!
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Lila: Will you forget x? You’re having a nervous breakdown? X isn’t gonna help you in life unless you’re playing Scrabble! And then it’s only eight points!
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2. “Extracurricular Activity”

Jason: Jason sets, Jason shoots…
Charles: Jason dies if he breaks anything.
Jason: Scores! The crowd goes wild!
Charles: [unenthusiastically] Yay.
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Charles: Cornflakes or Raisin Bran?
Lila: Student council or cheerleading?
Jason: Cornflakes.
Charles: Student council.
Douglas: Alright! Who stole my Incredible Hulk underoos?
Lila: Oh, naturally, Charles, student council. Every year, student council.
Charles: So?
Douglas: So how am I supposed to get dressed without my Incredible Hulk underoos?
Charles: You can wear your Spider-man underoos.
Douglas: On a Wednesday?!
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Douglas: I plan to audition for the school band.
Charles: Really? Which instrument?
Douglas: Triangle.
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[Jason comes home with a ripped up, dirty shirt]
Charles: Jason, what happened?
Jason: I did what you said, I tried my best.
Charles: And you made the soccer team?
Jason: I tried my best, Charles.
Charles: You tried out for the team?
Jason: I tried my best.
Charles: To make it on the team?
Jason: To make it… to the field.
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[after Lila tries, unsuccessfully, to learn how to be a cheerleader]
Lila: Gwendolyn, I realize we don’t know each other very well yet, but I need an R bad. And you’re the only one here who’ll give it to me. Any R will do! It doesn’t even have to be a capital!
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Lila: Now Buddy, think, what comes after Q?
Buddy: Tip.
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3. “Another Saturday Night”

Buddy: Guys our age do not stay in on a Saturday night! On a Saturday night, guys our age all over the world go to their local hangouts, watch women, try to pick them up, fail miserably, and go home! Now why don’t you wanna do that?
Charles: Because Buddy, it’s Saturday night for the parents too. And I don’t need every Saturday night off when the Pembrokes deserve to go out once in awhile, okay?
Buddy: No! He’s married! He can fail miserably in his own home!
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Douglas: I’m especially interested in what they’re gonna do about the aliens.
Charles: Douglas! That means immigrants!
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[Buddy says he’s going to the Lamp Light]
Gwendolyn: No, I went there once, and, and it’s a mob scene; everyone’s crammed on top of each other.
Charles: Oh yeah, I—I’d hate that.
Buddy: Yeah, he’s hated it about fifty times so far.
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Lila: He lost! Does that mean Michael Jackson’s not gonna sing now?
Charles: Not if he lost.
Lila: I don’t care! Let him sing a sad song!
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Gwendolyn: Well, various people require various good times, Charles. Buddy requires the night and the opportunity to seek out women, much like Jack the Ripper.
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Charles: Douglas, you are only twelve years old!
Douglas: Not in dog years!
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Lila: I go first!
Jason: I go first!
Lila: I go first, or I’ll grow my nails long and come into your room one night and claw your eyes out.
Jason: …She goes first!
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Jason: Charles! Boys need buddies! They need buddies to play ball with and to catch turtles with! What can you do with a girl?
Lila: …This is gonna be a landslide!
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Gwendolyn: Now, I thought very, very, very carefully about everything that I said to you. And I was wrong to blame you… creatures only evolve so far in life, and they can’t be held accountable for their state of evolution.
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Gwendolyn: Buddy.
Buddy: Yes?
Gwendolyn: When I said that you were like something out of Animal House, how did you feel about that?
Buddy: Oh, I took it as a compliment.
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4. “War”

[Mrs. Pembroke suggests Charles should train a babysitter for her friend]
Charles: I won’t know what to tell her.
Jill: She’s absolutely lovely.
Charles: I may need a few days with her.
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[Buddy is faking stomach pains so Charles won’t have to hang out with Megan]
Buddy: Ooh… Charles… hospital… Charles… hospital… Charles… [sees Megan] ohh!
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Douglas: He took a shower and used my lucky towel!
Charles: What is lucky about a towel?
Douglas: It always gets me dry.
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[Jason and Douglas are having a war]
Charles: And what do I do?
Megan: Oh, you do nothing. You be Switzerland, you be neutral.
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Charles: Do not ruin this kiss for me, okay? Because if you do, I promise you, one day when you’re old enough to kiss a girl, I’m gonna pop up from behind a couch and ask you a question, but by then I’m gonna be very old and probably look like one of Douglas’ masks, and when your girlfriend sees me, she’s gonna go, “AAAAHHHH!” and jump out the window and be dead.
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Jason: He’s gonna end my existence if you don’t let me hide in your room!
Megan: Switzerland…
Charles: Even Switzerland allows tourists, Megan.
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[to G.I. Joe action figure]
Douglas: Ah, so, Joe, you look pretty tough. Let’s see how tough you look… in Barbie’s prom dress!
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Charles: Now Switzerland is a great place to ski, and they make terrific cheese there… but it’s got holes in it. Just like your philosophy on children.
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5. “Cousin Elliott”

Gwendolyn: A whole class of girls alone in the forest with nothing to fear but the wild animals.
Lila: What wild animals?
Charles: The whole class of boys in the next forest.
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Jason: Well, you shouldn’t be happy out loud. My father always says so, whenever he compliments something out loud, it always breaks.
Charles: Yeah, but I was complimenting my life.
Jason: …Goodbye, Charles.
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Douglas: There are only two Kilgors in the world.
Douglas and Elliott: Me, and Kilgor!
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Buddy: Registration… every girl on campus in one spot at the same time… openly declaring where they’re gonna be every minute of every school day… I just love the American educational system.
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[Buddy does his “winker” impression]
Charles: You do that very well, Buddy.
Buddy: Well, I ought to, I used to be a winker before I met you and learned to curb my winker tendencies.
Charles: Which are?
Buddy: To have a good time at all costs.
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Buddy: How ’bout, uh… Sociology 121: An Introduction to Alternative Lifestyles.
Charles: Nah, I don’t need any sociology courses.
Buddy: Alternative Lifestyles, Charles! Nudist colonies! Maybe they have field trips!
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Douglas: Do we have the picture yet?
Jason: Just snow… still snow… snow, but it’s coming in clearer… clearer… hey, we got something!
Douglas: What’ve we got?
Jason: Snow! It’s a weather report.
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Charles: Lila, you are fourteen. You are sweet and you are lovely, and you’re gonna stay that way all year. And then we’ll talk again when you’re fifteen.
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6. “Slumber Party”

Charles: …so please don’t mention women to me.
Heather: Sara Lee!
Stacy: Aunt Jemima!
All: Betty Crocker!
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Stan: Well, Charles, it takes a long time before you can understand women, but when you reach the right age, it all becomes easy.
Charles: Really? Well, when’s the right age?
Stan: I’ll let you know when I get there.
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Paula: So, who’re we talking about?
Girls: Harold Lempsky!
Paula: Harold Lempsky! …He’s cute.
Girls: Ewww!
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Charles: Enid?
Enid: Yes?
Charles: This is my room. This is not Montana.
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Paula: We don’t talk about crazy things.
Girl: We just say what we feel.
Charles: …Why?
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Charles: …And don’t rush into anything.
Lila: I’m waiting for Mr. Right.
Paula: I’m waiting for Mr. Wonderful.
Enid: I’m waiting for Mr. Ed.
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7. “Discipline”

Douglas: My book report. I got it back. Someone put an F on it. I showed the teacher. She said she did it. I asked her what she meant by that. She said she meant I failed. I tried to explain to her Douglas Pembroke doesn’t know the meaning of the word “fail”. She told me to look it up.
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Douglas: I hate school! I quit!
Jill: Douglas, now that’s a very immature attitude!
Charles: I hate school!
Buddy: I quit!
Charles: Three midterm exams!
Buddy: In the same week!
Charles: As if it wasn’t cruel and unusual already that they’d give us two midterm exams!
Buddy: In the same week!
Charles: Then we find out they’re going to throw a third one at us!
Buddy: In the same week!
Charles: Now, what I’d like to know, is how is a person supposed to study for three midterm exams…
[pause]
Buddy: …In the same week!
Charles: Thank you!
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Buddy: I can’t handle this kind of responsibility; I’m leaving.
Charles: Oh, you gonna go home and start studying?
Buddy: I intend to, Charles... I swear, I intend to.

Stan: Jill, I don’t wanna hear anything except “I’m ready”, and since I just said it for you, I don’t wanna hear anything.
Jill: Stan—
Stan: No, no Stan, Stan is a word, it’s—it’s a quarter to four and work time is over.
Jill: Stan—
Stan: No, no believe me, Stan is a word, I know, because people use it every day when people talk to me.
Jill: We have a little—
Stan: I know what we have here, we have a little crisis, and I know that because I live here at little crisis central.
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Charles: I don’t know how to do that!
Stan: Why not?
Jill: You talk to teachers every day!
Charles: Well, yes, but not like they’re regular people!
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Douglas: TV Guide is read by over sixty million people every week. That’s better circulation than blood!
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Douglas: Where’s your perfect place, Charles?
Charles: I don’t think I have one, Douglas. You see, it would have to have love and romance, and action, adventure… and a lot of basketball.
Douglas: I know where you can find all that stuff.
Charles: In one place?
Douglas: Sure, I happen to be an expert on it.
Charles: Where?
[Douglas hands him a book]
Charles: “TV Guide”!
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8. “Trick or Treat”

Jason: I finally decided what I want to be for Halloween, and my mother won’t let me.
Jill: He wants to be a Ghostbuster.
Jason: What’s wrong with that?
Charles: Well, we have to define “Ghostbuster”.
Jill: He wants to go out with his friends and beat up children in sheets.
Jason: I ain’t afraid of no ghosts!
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Douglas: Everything you do is for the women.
Charles: Oh Douglas, you’re crazy.
Douglas: Oh yeah? Describe your day after you wake up.
Charles: I take a shower.
Douglas: To be clean—for the women.
Charles: I brush my teeth.
Douglas: To have good breath—for the women.
Charles: I go to school.
Douglas: That’s where the women are!
Charles: That’s where I get an education.
Douglas: Why?
Charles: So I can get a good job.
Douglas: Why?
Charles: So I can support myself.
Douglas: And?
Charles: My w—
Douglas: Woman?
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Buddy: I’m gonna name my first born after you: Mr. Pembroke Lembeck.
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Charles: I have a very bad feeling about these sort of things.
Buddy: Why?
Charles: Because it always goes wrong on I Love Lucy.
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Charles: Talk to me.
Buddy: What do you want me to say?
Charles: Just talk.
Buddy: Hi Charles! …Like my socks?
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Buddy: Charles, if I did go on this date with her, do you think she would…?
Charles: Buddy, based on her pre-disposition to you, I think she would anything. Once.
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Buddy: Charles, do you think Diana’s still waiting for me?
Charles: All night.
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9. “A Date with Enid”

Charles: No, Douglas, I’m asking you! You’ve held off puberty for twelve years, what’s one more day?
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Enid: Why can’t they have real names, Lila? “Lady Macbeth Red: the lipstick that won’t wash off!”
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Jason: Give me a chance to prove myself! Otherwise, I’ll have to go through life with people saying behind my back, “He’s a nice guy… but he over-caulks”.
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Charles: It’s like the caterpillars you love. You can’t understand why they become butterflies. You think they do it just to get you mad, but they don’t.
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10. “Friends & Lovers”

Charles: What size popcorn did he buy you? The jumbo tub, huh? Tell me he didn’t try to impress you with the jumbo tub!
Gwendolyn: Yes, the jumbo tub with butter.
Charles: It’s not real butter, you know.
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Jill: Marriage is too big a step for people who have only been seeing each other two months.
Charles: Oh, we’re not getting married.
Stan: Very effective, Jill.
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Jason: I hate you! I hate you with all the hate in the universe!
Max: Well, good, ’cause that’s how much I hate you!
Jason: Well, I don’t care what new toys you get, I never wanna play with you again!
Max: Fine! See if I care! [car horn]—Coming!—And you just better be on time to walk to school on Monday!
Jason: Don’t worry, I will!
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[Charles is being nice to a foreign exchange student]
Buddy: Eh, forget it, kiddo. You’re wasting your time! Foreign, remember? You don’t need to be charming! Watch this. Hey, sugar mama, you and me: hot tub. See, nothing? Where you from, sweetcakes? Finland? Czechoslovakia?
Girl: London.
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Jason: Charles, I happen to be playing hide and seek! I happen to be hiding, and Max happens to be seeking, and if you don’t shut the door, I’m sook!
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11. “Home for the Holidays”

Buddy and Charles: ’Tis the season to be jolly
Fa la la la la, la la la la
Buddy: Buddy’s here
Charles: And so is Charlie
Buddy and Charles: Fa la la la la, la la la la
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[Lila wants to go out on a date]
Stan: Not on my mother’s first night here.
Jill: But she’s gonna be here three weeks. What’s one night?
Stan: Five percent.
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Stan: Now do you understand what I’m telling you?
Grandma Irene: Yes, I understand what you’re telling me.
Stan: What am I telling you?
Grandma Irene: I’m not telling you.
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Charles: I have an idea. Why don’t you set a New Year’s resolution to tie your own sneakers?
Jason: But I can’t get the same size loops.
Charles: I know, but what’s gonna happen when you grow up and your shoe is untied and you hold it out to me and your wife says, “Who is this guy?”.
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12. “Accidental Puppy”

Charles: You know what’d made me feel better about spending the whole night in line?
Gwendolyn: What’s that?
Charles: If we’d gotten tickets.
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Lila: Bonnie Tuber wore make-up and got a date! “We don’t care about Bonnie Tuber, we care about you”. Sally Stefanado wears make-up, all the inner circle girls wear make-up! “If the inner circle girls jumped off a bridge, would you?” Yes! I wanna jump off a bridge!
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Charles: …Have you stopped to think about Puddy’s feelings?
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Charles: Let’s flip a coin.
Buddy: No coin flips! I never win at coin flips!
Gwendolyn: Sounds fair to me.
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Charles: You can’t keep something that belongs to someone else. How would you like it, Douglas, if you were lost at the mall and somebody took you to their house and gave you a new name?
Douglas: Do they have a pool?
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Jill: That’s where we first heard Bruce Springsteen.
Stan: I was one of the first guys to yell, “BRUUUCE!”. I used to do it all the time.
Jill: Mm-hmm. Sometimes Bruce himself would ask Stan to stop.
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Jill: Seeing Springsteen live is just a great evening, and if you’re thinking of giving those tickets away, don’t. They’re too special.
Charles: Then someone special should go. With your permission…
Stan: Yes, Charles?
Charles: I’d like to take Lila to the concert… without makeup.
Stan: Well, that would be very nice.
Charles: Thank you both.
[Charles leaves]
Jill: Damn, I thought we had those tickets!
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13. “The Commotion”

Gwendolyn: Buddy, Charles! The most wonderful thing has happened!
Buddy: They’re putting Gilligan’s Island back on TV?
Charles: I don’t believe it.
Buddy: Aww, hey, come on, there was a time when you would’ve killed for Ginger or Mary-Ann, and you know it!
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Lila: I said, “Mom, okay if I call Janet in Chicago?”. She said, “Fine”. I said, “Mom, okay if I get some new clothes on your credit card?”. She said, “Fine”. I said, “Mom, okay if I rent my own apartment?”. And she said, “Fine”! But I didn’t rent my own apartment, so that shows I’m really not taking advantage of her, don’t you think?
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14. “Mr. President”

Douglas: I don’t understand why they’re teaching me how frogs reproduce.
Jason: Probably because they know what kind of girl you’re going to end up with.
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Douglas: Will you stop trampling all over my papers? You don’t have to be ready for lacrosse until next spring.
Jason: So? You don’t have to be ready for reproduction ever!
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Gwendolyn: Okay, we have Bradley Simpson: computer whiz, head of the science club.
Buddy: Likes pistachio ice cream and the sound of helicopters. His favorite month is October, and he’s allergic to tabasco sauce.
Charles: …Buddy, can I talk to you for a second? …How is that possibly going to help me?
Buddy: Don’t serve tabasco sauce!
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Buddy: It was a massive write-in vote. There was some confusion at first, because some of the write-ins came from the football team. They voted as a block for Jason Pembroke.
Jason: Me? The football team? I’m president?!
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Jason: It’s okay, guy. Life’s not always easy. Some things don’t happen for the best. But when things go wrong, you should smile. Because life’s too good to go through it upset.
Charles: That is very smart advice, Jason. And you know what? I think I’ll follow it.
Jason: I’m glad… because I think I broke your stereo!
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15. “Jill’s Decision”

Buddy: So I figure if you answer the questions the right way, you could end up with some girl that’s incredibly rich and beautiful.
Charles: Right. A woman so rich and so beautiful that the only way she could get a man was to resort to computer dating.
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Lila: They created a new position for me: deep, deep roving right field.
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Buddy: We were made for each other; we both lied on the questionnaire to meet someone rich.
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16. “Pressure from Grandma”

Grandma: Go put it in your microwave, see for yourself.
Charles: It’s good.
Grandma: Charles, that was excellent, the way you said, “It’s good!” with such sincerity. That’s very important.
Charles: I meant every word of it.
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17. “Snowed In”

Buddy: Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou, Romeo?
Charles: No wonder he kills himself.

[Jason wants to talk to his mother]
Jason: I need to know the exact time of my birth; she was there, were you?

Buddy: I don’t believe in astrology; I’m a Leo and Leos tend to be skeptical.

Jason: I was looking for my baby album, but instead, I found my parents’ dark secret.
Charles: What dark secret?
Jason: Look what it says on these bank books.
Charles: “First National Bank”. [gasps] Oh no!

Tracy: I am going to freeze to death!
Jason: No you’re not, I’m going to strangle you.

[to Buddy]
Gwendolyn: You know, next time there’s a life and death situation, you’re not invited.

18. “Charles “R” Us”

George: I was raised in a very strict, moral, and ethical upbringing, Charles, and believe I'd deal with the children as my father dealt with me, because, uh, I like to think I turned out okay.
Charles: Sure thing, George, and that's very admirable, I think we --
George: First, I'd lock them in a dark room --

Charles: You have a favorite record.
Clarence: I don't have any records.
Charles: Okay, uh, pretend you have a record.
Clarence: I can't.
Buddy: Why don't we move on to the next question?
Charles: No, it's okay. Umm, somebody buys you a record.
Clarence: Who, Charles?
Charles: Fred!
Buddy: Go to the next question.
Charles: No!
Clarence: What record did you buy me, Fred?

Charles: Okay, you have a record.
Applicant: The charges against me were reduced to a misdemeanor. It was my partner that had the gun.

Jason: Well, I am shocked and dismayed at this shocking dismayance.

Lila: Douglas, remember when you were on the phone, and I said I needed something, and you said "not now", and I said "yes now", and you disintegrated me?

Jason: You look like a man with something to say to me. Could that be true?